How I stopped playing small and embraced my light - a 16 year wedding anniversary + International Women's Day reflection

I originally wrote this 4 years ago and with the dawn of the newest era of my work, it's a perfect reflection as to why I love sharing my wedding anniversary every year with International Women’s Day...(happy 16th to us!)

Thanks to all of the folks - which is so many of you - who have taught me and inspired me and encouraged me to shine my light no matter what ... even when it was really uncool to do so.

Some have been instrumental family, teachers, mentors. and coaches. But there are millions more!

💫💫💫💫💫💫💫

“Boys don’t like girls that are smart or good at sports. It intimidates them.”

We were walking down the back staircase to 9th grade honors geometry in January 1999.

I can still hear the squeaks of our sneakers and smell the rubbery coating that covered the stair case.

Completely bewildered as if she’d just spoken Greek to me, I remember asking my friend what she meant by that. This couldn't possibly be true.

As it turned out, apparently the whole grade knew the news.

I’d tied for first in my class on our first semester report cards.

It was the first time in any of our lives we were ranked based on GPA.

And I had just learned I had committed the reputation-smearing crime of being a girl at the top of the list! 😱

To add “insult” to injury, I had also done the dastardly deed of breaking 5 school swim records and being written up by Will Hammock in the local paper for winning a county championship as a freshman. 🏊🏻‍♀️

The horror! Can you even believe I even had the audacity? 🙃

I was now being officially put on notice that I had unknowingly signed my name into the Hee Man Woman Haters Club register.

Thank God for friends to keep us in line with reminding us what’s most important and giving us a chance to correct our behavior to benefit the common good.

😉

Now granted — the still-very-subject-to-peer-pressure 15 year old in me does remember taking my friend’s oh-so-sage wisdom under advisement for about 2.7 seconds.

I remember wanting to hide those smarts just a tad.

Or say “I totally failed the test” when I knew I probably got a 96 (...damn those pesky 4 points...).

To be sure — this was not the first time my smarts had been used as an emotional weapon against me, challenging me to dim my light ever so slightly and play smaller.

Because we wouldn’t want any boys (or in this case ... jealous and insecure girls playing into the system) to feel badly about themselves now would we? 😉

In 4th grade I was bullied for being the only kid in the class in the gifted program. Kids stole my erasers, pencils, and lunch. They purposely left me out on the playground. 💔

Thankfully, we ended up transferring schools because the teacher did nothing about it. I’m just grateful social media bullying was not a thing back then.

In 7th grade two girls attempted to leverage “helping me be popular” by pressuring me to let them cheat off of me in chem class.

Yes, this is exactly what you’ve seen in the movies — but it was real. Thankfully I didn’t give in.

Even though I dodged a bullet then, I eventually I caved to the pressure. A year later in 8th grade — the pressure wore me down. I finally bought into the hype.

I’d made the final round of the school spelling bee and knew I could easily win.

But instead — I purposely spelled the word “bikini” wrong. 👇

“Bikini. B-I-K-I-N ..... Y. Bikini” 👙

I can still feel myself pausing, pretending to think it over and struggle as I mulled over whether to spell it right and win (and forever become the biggest nerd in school) or spell it wrong and remain on the “cool kids” side of the train track.

I stood there and hemmed and hawed over whether to end that word with an “I” or a “Y.”

Why do I remember this so vividly?

🥺Because it’s the first time I truly recall 100 percent choosing to sell myself out — and be aware enough to know 100 percent what I was doing and why.

Sure — I probably had sold myself out millions of times before in all the way pre-teens and teens do to try and be cool.

But this time was different.

And no doubt — by the grace of God, the short term “high” I got from NOT being the geeky smart kid didn’t last very long.

And it certainly didn’t change what people thought of me. Or what they said they thought of me.

🌟 I couldn’t hide from myself or hide the truth from others for long.

👉🏻Fast forward back to 9th grade when I quietly made my way to the top of a list I didn’t even know existed.

Granted I loved to win. Give me a literal swim lane — and I was ALL OVER THAT. 🏊🏻‍♀️🥇

But that was the super cool thing about swimming. I stayed in my own lane. I loved to win against myself.

I always knew it was a race of one.

But when I learned in school from my friend that day that I was in a race I didn’t sign up for — I wasn’t buying in to the hype.

Selling myself out in the spelling bee damaged my own self confidence and self honor — and it really hurt.

Thankfully I had learned my lesson (for the most part) by 9th grade.

But the truth is — I lived (and still live) in a world that does its darndest to teach women ... or other more marginalized groups — that we should play small.

👉🏻Be quiet.

👉🏻Be nice.

👉🏻Don’t upset anyone with your brilliance or essence.

👉🏻Don’t talk about yourself because it’s bragging.

👉🏻Don’t celebrate your accomplishments because it’s cocky.

👉🏻Fit in. Look a certain way. Dress a certain way.

👉🏻Don’t make too much money or accept too much money or ask for it — because you’re taking from others.

🤭The boys won’t like it if you do these things.

(This is all code for the deeper and more painful truth: you’re unworthy and unlovable when you shine🤕).

Even though I more or less learned as a 15 year old that I wasn’t going to listen to the noise and just go be smart anyway and fully own it, there was still something that stuck with me and weighed me down.

I remember the day just a few years ago (in my 30’s) when it dawned on me that I’ve still been internalizing — ever so slightly — these painful limiting beliefs — and therefore still thinking about it all wrong.

I was at a meeting with colleagues and the attendees were sharing career wins and celebrations.

When called on, I stood up to share some successes I’d experienced.

My heart pounded and my palms sweated as I shared my story with the group.

I dreaded it. I flashed back to 9th grade.

Why?

Because — for all intents and purposes — let’s just say it was clear to me before I even spoke that I was in a league of my own.

By traditional linear measures of success — even though I was not actively measuring— it was clear everyone else was. To them, my successes were a bit more “advanced” than theirs.

The tension was palpable. As was the shakiness in my voice as I finally shared.

People gawked at me. I heard one person remark under their breath “geez. Brag and rub it in why don’t you?”

I had found myself yet again in another race I didn't sign up for, being shamed for just ...well ... being myself and doing my best.

I shook as I sat down and remember thinking “I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.”

I fought back the tears, thinking to myself “the LAST thing I need is to completely lose it in front of these people who already don’t like me. That’s exactly what they want.”

Then I felt ashamed for feeling ashamed, noting what a remarkable privilege it was to be able to celebrate at all.

But then I realized that secondary shame I felt was playing into the whole charade.

I was still playing small — now in a spiral attempting to feel ashamed for even being ashamed for being successful.

It was in that moment I decided “no more.”

I could shift from shame to gratitude for the privilege — AND not give in to or play small for the haters.

I could shine my light, be grateful for the gifts I was given, and also not feel ashamed about them.

The apt quote from Marianne Williamson immediately came to mind:

💞“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”💕

And with that quote running through my thoughts, I whipped out my journal.

It was then I realized how still — even now in my thirties — even after years of healing the wounds of bullying — I had been carrying an invisible heavy weight and had been missing a piece of the puzzle.

In the smallest yet most profound of ways, I was thinking about it all wrong.

💡It was not ME who was smart or successful.

💡It was not ME who was gifted or talented.

💡It was not MY success (or failure for that matter).

👉🏻No, it was simply being portaled through me.

💫From a power greater than me — both within me, and transcending me.

In that context — there could be no shame. There could be no hurt. There could be no fear. Nobody could hurt me.

🤟🏻I was liberated.

🚪I was simply — and yet paradoxically so complexly — a portal of smarts, wisdom, love, and success.

These things were simply made manifest through me.

With this unbreakable undeniable truth blazing through my veins — it grounded me — yet paradoxically skyrocketed me to new levels of “showing up” and being real, loving...and, well—smart. 🤓

It sent a boulder rolling down a hill — one that continues to pick up speed as I learn new ways to let go of the old weights and heavy armor I’d carried around and unknowingly let weigh me down — keeping that light and brilliance from shining through me like a beautiful prism.

(Funny thing — my business name is PRISM for a reason ... 💎🌈)

🌟So I write this to share and shine a light.

These words aren’t mine.

Yet they pour out onto the page (...notes app 🙃) effortlessly through my fingers.

And hopefully it will offer some encouragement on this International Women’s Day — whether you’re a woman or man or someone who identifies as neither of those things or is playing small due to your own or society’s untrue beliefs impressed upon you.

It’s ok.

Be the portal.

Let the light shine through you. 💫

It’s not your light, after all.

There’s nothing to gain and nothing to lose.

But there is so much love and joy to be experienced if you can take down the armor and just let the light through.

Take off the running shoes for the imaginary race you knowingly or unknowingly signed up for.

💞You’re perfect just as you are — however that is.

And please — own the gifts that only you can showcase the world.

We need a whole lot more of that.

So I’ll finish this off by saying:

👋🏻Hi. My name is Julie.

I’m a portal of love, light, truth...and talents and smarts.

🗺I love reading and staring at maps. I love studying hydrology. I love water. Wanna know where the headwaters is for most major US rivers? I can probably tell you.

⏱I can do wicked fast arithmetic. Need to figure out a tip or a time split in a race in your head? I’m your girl.

🎼I can teach myself how to play almost any song on the clarinet (and when I was a kid — the keyboard). Need a squeaky tune from Frozen or Moana? Call me. (I didn’t say it sounded GOOD 🤣)

🎨When the mood strikes, I have some killer lettering and watercolor skills.

🐒I love animals. I also love baby trees. Especially baby Aspens and baby Ponderosas. 🌳 🌲I also love super old huge trees and sitting and pondering how much of the world has gone by as they just stand there ... breathing, tall, rooted, and strong.

🗣I speak teen. Also, mediocre Spanish. But I can pick good Spanish up quickly if I’m immersed. Wanna take a trip to Spain or Latin America? Bring me!

🏊🏻‍♀️I used to be very talented at swimming. I still love everything about swimming. I like to think the talent hasn’t left me, it has just changed form.

👥I love connecting with humans and helping them reveal truth to themselves. I love creativity. I love making up my own rules. I love strategizing on how to do more with less. That’s basically a summary of what I do for a living (it just happens to be in the context of personal coaching and mentoring).

What about you?

🌟What are you BRILLIANT at?

Shoot me a message and let’s CELEBRATE and amplify that light! 💫

PS A little poetic justice for the 9th grade drama queen story. Flash forward — jokes on my geometry class friend. At the time a certain boy had a huge crush on her and she wouldn’t give him the time of day. And that certain boy tells me he was ONLY interested in dating smart girls. How do I know that? Because he is now my husband, to whom I have been married for 16 years TODAY!