I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t the only one
Yesterday I was out on a walk with a friend and was telling her about the time I intentionally misspelled a word in the 7th grade spelling bee
I had made it to the final two, which for most people would feel like an amazing feat
But for me, I felt frozen and embarrassed
I already knew I was a bit exceptional, academically-speaking
And I’d reached the age where this became an instant path for being excluded — from friend groups, from sleepovers, from parties, from being asked to dance at the ever-awkward school dances
Truth be told — this actually started several years earlier when my 4th grade classmates — NINE YEAR OLDS — stole things from my lunch box — every time I left my mainstream classroom to go to the gifted classroom
For 3 years I noticed how I was both praised and encouraged for reaching the pinnacle of success at school — but paradoxically, I felt anything but encouragement
It felt humiliating and demoralizing
I never let it stop me though. That is, until that day in 7th grade when enough was enough
And it was all on the line — spell “Bikini” correctly and forever be etched in the annals of loserhood
Or misspell, and maybe POSSIBLY raise my chances of fitting in and being “cool”
Well — that day — I chose the latter, and turns out (as I very well knew) — “Bikini” does not, in fact, end with a “Y”
I remember pausing when I got to the “n” and clearly and deliberately making a hard right turn into that “Y”
I remember how my stomach sank, knowing what I just did
I remember the sideways glance I received from the teacher running the spelling bee — because she, too, knew what I just did
And truth be told — intentionally losing the spelling bee gave me a moment of relief
But it was one of many times after that I either consciously or unconsciously dimmed my light in a small or big way —
This has been a recurring life lesson for me — someone with a big heart, big mind, big soul, big dreams — and yes, as a result — big accomplishments
I see all the sneaky ways I’ve managed to shrink or try to fit in to boxes that aren’t designed to contain me — so that I could perceivably be accepted among my peers
But…fast forward to yesterday
When I was walking along with a peer I met 34 years after that fateful spelling bee
And when I shared this story with her, she said — “OMG. I did the exact same thing”
She intentionally spelled a word incorrectly, too.
I could not have felt more seen, validated, affirmed … and well, accepted. Not because I had just stumbled across a fellow exceptional soul
But because I’d stumbled across a fellow exceptional soul who — at some point — learned the heartbreaking lesson that it was NOT “cool” to be exceptional.
We chatted about how we live in a world that places exceptional people — talented, gifted artists, athletes, intellectuals, intuitive mystics — up on the “aspirational” pedestal
And yet for those of us who tend to find ourselves there time and time again — we realize that once you reach the top, once you distance yourself enough from the “mainstream”
It can feel exciting and thrilling and fulfilling, yes — but also — isolating, lonely, damning, and in fact— humiliating
People know you have a gift, so they expect you to stand out
And yet, once you’re there — you’re in an exclusive club that sometimes you don’t want to be in
Because it doesn’t feel like anyone really gets it
There’s pressure to keep yourself on that slippery slope of a pinnacle
There’s pressure to appear and be bulletproof — because if you are so talented, god forbid you feel emotions or show your vulnerability
And if you go so far as complain about these pressures — you’re seen as ungrateful, someone with a scarcity mindset, or you’re labeled as “lacking perspective”
And you’re told that maybe you need to work on your mental health because you feel ashamed or "never good enough"
And maybe you do
But maybe also — it’s not the fear of falling from the pinnacle that has you freaked out
Maybe it’s the fear of STAYING THERE - in your ever-expanding power and brightness, distancing yourself from others
And that power and brightness may sting or blind others who are envious or jealous or simply cannot empathize with what it's like to be where you are
And therefore -- because of the pushback you perceive or receive -- it may be very tempting to dim your light, to decrease your power —
Especially if it means that you’re also fulfilling your deepest human need — which is to belong and to be loved
If that’s you — whether it’s shown up as
Intentionally misspelling a word
Losing a race on purpose
Apologizing for “bragging” when you’re simply stating the truth about something awesome you've done or you have
Hearing people cheer and celebrate when you stumble from that pinnacle and "fail"
Dumbing yourself down just so people won’t feel intimidated or put off by your intelligence
Doing uncharacteristic and borderline reckless things so that you won’t appear so “perfect”
Being told to “suck it up, you should be grateful, because most people would kill to have this kind of success” when you aren’t feeling proud of your accomplishments for any reason
I want you to know I see you, I’ve been there, and I get it.
And I invite you to talk about it more —
The embarrassment you feel when you succeed
The fear you feel when you make more money than anyone else in your family
The heartbreak when your friends give you backhanded compliments — passive aggressive jabs at your accomplishments that really show how envious they are ("Oh, there you go again, SUCH an overachiever")
The pressure you feel to maintain the expectation of success -- because it's the only thing people seem to appreciate about you
I invite you to share your stories of times you’ve experienced these things
I invite you to shift the narrative that you should be defined by the sum of your accomplishments — and because you are — being human and vulnerable WITHIN those accomplishments, and feeling anything other than JOY therefore makes you lesser than
It doesn’t make you ungrateful or someone with scarcity mindset or someone who lacks perspective or has a mental health issue when you experience these things EVEN WHEN — by all standard measures of success — you’re incredibly talented and gifted
No, it makes you a human with an ever-expanding heart, consciousness, and light
It makes you a human who above all else desires to be loved, seen and held -- whether you accomplish things or not
Those vulnerable, dark and cracked things you feel — they aren’t a problem.
They’re actually another one of your exceptional gifts.
They're your pathway to connection with people who get you, see and support you.
You deserve to be seen, validated, and held as you feel and experience those things
You don’t have to be bulletproof simply because you reach the pinnacle.
You belong at this pinnacle - you were designed with exceptional gifts — and you deserve to be seen and celebrated not only for those gifts, but also for the deep humanness that lives behind them
And as one of my favorite quotes sums this up perfectly —
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
(Marianne Williamson)
So as you give yourself permission to shine in your greatness — it’s true that some people may not “get it”
But I do. I get it. I see you.
You belong here.
If you’ve ever experienced something like this — I’d love to hear your story. The more we talk about it, the more we normalize it.
Feel free to reach out if that feels ok to do. My email, DMs, and heart are open -- ready to listen.
Cheering you on as you shine, spell words correctly, and invite the world embrace ALL of you
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